dear diary,
i don’t know if he will ever see this, but shhh, you don’t have to tell him. maybe he’ll come across it, looking a little too close. this is me letting a few too many things slip.
so this is to him. i started it some time ago, a day i can’t even remember.
language is im pr eci s e andmessythe words i love you don’t even begin to describe love, what it is, the emotions it brings, everything it encompasses i’ve never been the best with words, but when i do these things the words echo through my head - say i love you bozo - call you bozo - dance - poke u in the ribs - try to trip u while we walk - hold your hand while driving - play with your hair - mess up your bangs - hold your hand - ask u to scoot closer to me - when your leg is touching mine - when we are sitting super close - when i lightly kick you - when i copy what you’re doing - at mass when i cross my arms and poke you - when i ask for hugs - when i give hugs - forehead kisses - kissing you on the cheek - taking silly .5s of you - complaining abt u to ms golik - when i say you lose in the car driving - stacking legs - cuddling during movies and squeezing your arm - poking you again - making playlists - going through photos - biting you - texting you good morning - ‘chimping out’ - making fun of how you say interesting - stealing clothes - trying to shush you or cover your mouth - when i say dude - when i make fun of you saying excuse me - when you make funny faces - when we facetime - when you reference reels - dancing - staring at your eyes - when you lay on my chest and i get to play with your hair - when you grab my hair - when you do things for me - when i squish closer to you - when we go to cd stores - hearing you talk about cars - going to the gym with you - cuddles - falling asleep in the car - when i get notes from you - hanging out in ms goliks office - giving you airheads - when you poke me - when you do silly gross things like lick my face - when you (sometimes) (and usually) successfully annoy me - pinching your arm - complaining to you - when you forget things - when you get distracted in the middle of a sentence - how you love to talk to people - when you're patient - when you take bad photos of me - you and all the other moments parts i can't remember
it scares me. i know that this isn’t permanent. im so scared that he’ll find someone better. someone different. that i’ll be too much, too little, unable to communicate when it counts.
im scared to tell him all these things. scared to be vulnerable. scared that i care more. it’s been one year and i feel like it’s not enough time.
i love him though. i know i’ll remember fondly. i want to say that i don’t need to be realistic, that things can stay this way forever. i never thought i’d be one for relationships. i never imagined myself getting married, growing old, wanting to hold onto something so bad.
and maybe this is just a snapshot, a snippet of everything. but hes worked his way into my life. through the clothes i wear, the flowers in my room, photos in my wallet, the back of my phone case, photo albums, instagram pages, the music i listen to, my playlists, books, routines, food, jewelry, ideals, all of it.
it’s not something i could get rid of if i tried.
sincerely,
your lovergirl <3